Would you let me in the lifeboat?

Here's a morbid thought experiment that no one asked for. Join me, if you dare.

Let’s play a game. It’s called who gets to live and in what order? Maybe I’ve been listening to the Dungeon Crawler Carl books for too long (an epic dystopian series that you have to read), but I have a curious take I want to workshop with you all. Trigger warning: satire ahead. Please don’t ruin it by taking it seriously.

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Close your eyes and envision the Titanic, sinking quickly into the freezing cold temperatures of the Atlantic (but not really since you need them to keep reading). Men are rounding up the women and children, putting them in the lifeboats first. Prioritizing these members of our society that we’ve deemed worthy of saving.

The women and children cling onto one another as the boat is lowered over the edge and into the water, knowing that they will never again lay eyes on their male companions. The men valiantly go down with the ship.

This is the hierarchy that we all claim exists within our social framework. When the ship is going down, we hustle the gentler sex and the ones who haven’t gotten an opportunity to age into the vessel that will shepherd them to safety.

Me, driving the lifeboat.

Let’s get a few questions out of the way first because I know what you’re thinking:

But Lindsey, does this still apply when women are left to die in hospitals because they no longer have bodily autonomy?

Does our society really still value children when they’re being ripped away from their parents by a ICE agent wearing an ironic mask?

And the answer is of course not. We don’t actually value women and children in our society, but we claim that we do, which is the point of this article. Take the veneer away and a much different order will present itself. I know this because when they yelled for “women” to get in the lifeboat, they didn’t mean me.

I’m not a mother, which we’ve discussed already. And me, a non-mom human woman, was recently watching the Netflix documentary about the OceanGate sub that exploded on its way to the Titanic. The show talked briefly about how a few men survived in the waters, bobbing up and down in their life vests because the rafts were full of women and children.

Like any self-absorbed human, I immediately thought of myself. If I were on the deck of the Titanic at my current age of 40 (and fabulous), without children, how would I have been treated?

This thought experiment led me to the words “women” and “children.” The meaning of those words has changed since 1912 when the Titanic sank. Without tackling subjects that are much too complicated to address in a satirical Substack article (wait, no they’re not - trans rights are human rights and everyone should get to play sports), would I be included in the term “women”? If the point of the hierarchy is to save those who contribute to our society, does a childless woman even count? Do I get to live?

If they learn I’m also a lawyer, definitely not. Straight to the pyre. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

And practically speaking, I would have weaseled my way onto a lifeboat through manipulation, lying, crying, begging and sheer force of will. I would have found a lifeboat that was being organized by someone who didn’t know I was a useless baren-wombed female attorney. Or if they’d asked about my life, I’d have lied.

Because that’s why we save women. So that they carry children into this world and keep our species alive. Given how callously we otherwise treat the ladies of the world, it’s just a fact that if you aren’t a mother, you aren’t being lifted gently into the lifeboat.

I’d probably be left to stand on the deck with the men, holding onto the rail as we all sink below the waves.

Mothering Ruby

But let’s back up and change the hypothetical. If we’re in some fucked up Squid Games-type scenario and you have to rank who lives and who dies, and in what order, who do we choose?

The below is an abridged version of how I think the US government would answer this question:

1. Children - I think we can all agree on this. It’s pretty straightforward. Kids are innocent. They’re not roaming around the Titanic due to their own decisions, just the shitty decisions of their guardians who loaded them onto an ill-fated voyage across the ocean. Therefore, they should get to live.

2. Mothers. Quit saying “women” because not all women are mothers and equating the two is inappropriate, inaccurate and to those of us who actively avoid caring for children, pretty offensive.

3. Men. And they’re only number 3 in this “who gets in the lifeboat” hypothetical scenario. Despite what Trump’s attorneys are telling the Judge overhearing the case against Harvard, men¹ are not actually being persecuted. They’re Number 1 in actuality, but number 3 when on this very specific and hypothetical scenario, and as we all know from the movie, Billy Zane still finds a way to live. Like a bunch of cockroaches, I’m sure you’ll be fine.

4. Non-mother women and the gays. My favorite demographic. I don’t give a fuck that we’re number 4 on this list because whatever ship I’m sinking on is filled with good music, giggles, high heels, gossip, glitter, the exact shade of red lipstick I’ve been searching for, perfume that doesn’t make me gag, and a few really resourceful lesbians who might actually know how to survive this catastrophe.

5. Anyone who identifies outside of any of the above categories, and subcategories of the above who are deemed to be “other” by those in power, mostly because our world kinda sucks right now.

But this is my Substack article and my creative moment so if I were running the world and got to reprioritize the lifeboat situation, here is my list:

1. Dogs. Oh, this list is only for humans? Fuck you, Gretchen. Ironic coming from the girl who tried to make “fetch” happen. And don’t act surprised - you should have guessed they’d be first. Cats are also included here because Lula says she’ll murder me in my sleep if I don’t include cats.

2. All children. All of them. Any of them. Bonus points if they’re kinda weird or neurodivergent. Under the age of 18? Get in, bitch. We’re going to the mall.

3. Mothers. I’m not an asshole. This category is worth saving and prioritizing. Mostly because I’m for sure not raising the children that I just saved. Hard pass.

4. Non-mother women and the entire LGBTQ community if not already in an above category. It’s June for fuck sake. And regardless, we’re saving the queens. They’re funner than you.

5. The men we’re talking about when we say “not all men.” Remember when they asked us if we’d want to be a in a forest with a man or a bear and you thought of those two guys who you feel safe with? It’s those guys.

6. All other men. Ugh, I guess. All men not already included in an above category regardless of father status. You don’t get a leg up because you procreated. You’re just last, deal with it. And don’t say you don’t deserve this. You’ve been oppressive asshats for thousands of years and despite your best efforts, are only making things worse for everyone. Some of you will live (see cockroach comment above), so just be nice. Don’t end up in the burn book and it’ll be cool.

If the hypothetical catastrophe which led us to these lifeboats is happening so quickly that we don’t have time to sort men into two categories, numbers 5 and 6 are combined.

And I am just now realizing, in real time with all of you reading, that despite free reign to model this list in any fashion I wanted, I still put myself in 4th place.

This is why we save the dogs first.

And I’m okay with this. It’s the life that I chose and decided to live. If this article has to have a point, I guess what I’m asking is that we stop using the word “mother” to describe women and the word “women” to describe mothers. These are not completely overlapping circles in a ven diagram. They are partially overlapping and one category is deemed to be very important while the other is deemed to be very expendable.

I don’t want you to give me hope. Don’t sit here and tell me that women are prioritized and given a seat in the lifeboat when what you really mean is mothers.

I will save myself, damnit. Like all difficult women, I will find a way to live and then make you regret it. We’d make it to the deserted island and I’d start doing some annoying shit like setting rules and boundaries. Convening meetings of the high counsel, of which I would be the chairwoman. Reenacting Lord of the Flies, which I never read. And then you’ll turn to each other and go, “this is why we had that rule about childless women and lifeboats.”

Remember, stay difficult and always question authority.

1. White, cis men are not being persecuted. Trans men, men of color, men dealing with mental health issues or addiction, etc are not included in this comment. This article is about me, so I’m not going to take the time to break down the various categories of males and how they fit into the list, just know that I know that all men are not in this category and we can call it good. See Number 5 of this same list for more details.