Why can't I get over winter?

I received an unfortunate diagnosis and had a mental breakdown in January, and I think I was stuck there for a time. Here's how and why it's starting to thaw.

I’ve always hated winter. The cold, dark days where you’re stuck inside. You can’t be productive when it’s 10 degrees outside and the sun sets at 4PM. How am I supposed to feel worthy of love and support if I’m not able to get things done? Is there a driveway that needs shoveled so I can feel worthy of relaxation?

Through my gratitude practice, meditation and therapy, where I try to figure out why I feel useless if I’m not productive, I came to the decision that I needed to knock it off. Hating an entire season is a waste of three months. I wanted to learn how to embrace the cold, dark days. So I got to work.

A few years back, my mother-in-law to get me the book Wintering by Katherine May for Christmas and it changed my life. And yes, I realize this is the second time I’ve talked about this book but god damn. It really changed my life. In it, Katherine discusses the history of humanity in winter and how the season was used to rest, reset, and enjoy a slower pace.

I especially enjoyed the sections where Katherine discussed what to do during winter. Because, when you were raised to believe your productivity is tied to your self-worth, you never really stop.

I started making simmer pots full of lemons, oranges, cinnamon, and cloves. I got started on indoor projects, like painting our bedroom, and sewing a lot. I lit candles and made roaring fires in the fireplace. I cross stitched a mushroom under the moon and wore cozy layers that felt like a hug.

I also began to spend more time outdoors. My husband, Coby, and I got in the habit of bundling up in coats and hats, stringing blankets between us, and just sitting outside. No matter the weather, we sit outside for about five to ten minutes, catching up or just enjoying the silence. It’s just enough to get a few deep breaths of fresh air, and center myself.

And the dog walks never stop. We’ll go get in our two miles no matter the weather. I just pull on a good hat, where thick gloves and throw on my long-johns.

snuggling with Ruby

This past winter was by far my favorite. I just felt so relaxed and settled in. Yes, it’s dark at 4PM but that means I can drink a cup of cocoa in front of my fire and curl up with a good book. It means the wind chill stings my cheeks but I’m in my cozy layers and sometimes it feels good to be a little cold. I really embraced the winter season.

A little too hard, me thinks.

Because now I’m all fucked up over summer. It snuck up on me and my mind is stuck somewhere in January. I don’t feel ready to shed my long-sleeves for tank tops. I’m still snuggling into my couch at 5PM, ready for a good show or documentary, rather than being outside at the pool.

I’m usually in a bathing suit from sun-up to sun-down, and go kicking and screaming when someone tells me to come inside. I love the hot air, like a hair dryer, and bobbing around my pool on a floaty. It’s my favorite time of year, only this year, I’m not sure where my head’s at.

Snuggling with Lula Mae

My brain hasn’t quite caught up to the season. What intrigues me about this is that I had my mental breakdown in January. It could be that I’m stuck in winter because I’m stuck in a loop of what happened to me.

Aren’t trauma loops a thing, or am I making that up?

It could be a coincidence, but I’m not so sure. Last winter might have been my favorite winter in a long time, but it was also the hardest winter of my life. getting diagnosed with bipolar disorder and having a full-on Menty B was no fun. Zero stars. Do not recommend.

And maybe that’s what slowing down my adaptability with the seasons. Maybe I’m still shaking off the trauma of what happened.

One thing I didn’t do this year was change out my wardrobe. About mid-spring, I usually put away my winter clothes and bring out summer gear. But last winter, I never put summer away. Everything stayed in its drawers. So I just kept it there for this season turn-over as well. But maybe the wardrobe turnover is more symbolic than I realized.

What tools do you use to adapt to the seasons? What signifies the change in your life?

It’s slowly happening. I can feel the thaw coming off my body. I am becoming the lizard, nestled under a heat lamp. Spring is gone and it’s full on summer here in Central Washington. I’m finally starting to change my routine and habits to fit the season. It just took me a hot second to get into the summer state of mind.

So here’s to shedding what no longer is serving us. Here’s to moving with the seasons of life and embracing every turn of the sun and cycle of the moon. Here’s to definitely not being stuck in a January trauma loop where you lose your mind every day and don’t know how to function.

Remember, stay difficult and always question authority.