A Culture of Winning
Whether you believe in yourself or not, you're right. If you lack self-confidence, this one's for you. I'm giving out my best tips to becoming an insufferable winner.
My father-in-law is a badass hall of fame basketball coach. He spent the better part of 30 years molding young boys into a team of winners. Now in his retirement years, he and Coby both volunteer for the Cashmere High School boys basketball team.
We were having dinner with ol’ Eddie when he said something that stuck with me. It was about creating a culture of winning. To take a program that hasn’t been performing and turn it into a State-caliber team, you have to instill into the players the belief that they are winners. Winning is the expectation. Once they believe it, once they’ve bought into this culture, they’ll win.
Mantras like this really speak to my soul because if there is one constant in my life, it’s an abundance of self-confidence. As I like to say, I have criminal levels of the good ol’ can-do attitude. And so many of you (read: absolutely no one) have asked me how I do it. I was hesitant to share my secrets - it’s taken me a lifetime to unlocked this level of narcissism tenacity - but everyone seems so down lately that I think you all need a bit of my sparkle. So, without further ado:
1. Nothing that goes wrong is your fault.
This is a core belief that I hold. In order to be a winner, you cannot take responsibility for anything that goes wrong. The minute the shit hits the fan, you must ignore the carnage and search for someone to blame. Preferably someone who looks up to you and/or is afraid of you. And you have to do it fast. If it looks like you’re thinking about it, you’re too late. It must go something like this:
“Holy shit! You left the candle lit! The wall is black!”
“Why didn’t you blow it out?”
“I didn’t light it!”
“Sure, I lit it but you were supposed to blow it out for me. I can’t believe you almost burned the house down!”
In this scenario, a person with overwhelming levels of confidence must believe that they would never have left the candle lit without the corresponding belief that their companion would blow it out for them.
People will try to gaslight you by calling this gaslighting. You can’t be gaslit if you’re already gaslighting, so strike the first match. Let’s pretend the above conversation continues:
“What? I’m not the one who walked away from a lit candle!”
“Hey, do not gaslight me!”
“That’s not what gaslighting is!”
“Sounds like something a gaslighter would say.”
This leads me to my second piece of advice:
Die on every hill.
Once you’ve taken a position, you cannot back down. Even in the face of uncontroverted evidence, you must stay strong. A person who has reached enlightened levels of confidence must never back down. You are right because you believe you are right and you can’t be wrong because you are never wrong. Remember, we believe in ourselves. Exclusively. We can’t be bothered to believe in other people also. This focus must be internal only.
When someone disrespects you by challenging something you’ve done or said, do not react. Even if you might have second thoughts - hell, even if you’re flat wrong - flinching is weak. Even if compromise would make everyone happy, settlement is weak. Let’s go to another example.
Let’s say, hypothetically, that a song comes on the radio and you tell your friends it’s Green Day. I just came up with this today and it’s totally not based on real events that absolutely did not happen between myself and my friend Michelle while we were on vacation in Mexico.
“This is not Green Day. I can’t think of the band name right now but it’s definitely not Green Day.” At this statement, your insides might clench with nervousness. You’ve been challenge. Instead of waiting to get back to wifi and calmly confirming who’s song is playing, you must double down.
“Oh yeah? What do you want to bet?”
“I’ll bet my house and my dog. And I don’t give a shit what you bet because this is not Green Day.” You might feel like you’re backed into a corner. It may seem like no one in their right mind would bet their house and their beloved dog without being absolutely certain.
“Fine, I won’t bet anything and when we get back to the villa, I will draw up paperwork to transfer title to your house into my name.”
“Fine.”
The song was Wonderwall by Oasis and for the record, it was me who was right…in this totally not real hypothetical situation. Michelle (another difficult woman) should have known that I would never bet Stella (my golden retriever may she rest in peace) without being certain I was right. But in her defense, I will also die on every hill so it’s hard to tell when I’m bluffing.
Learn to say no.
If you give in once, you will give in again and again. People will smell blood in the water. They’ll see you a pushover. They’ll start having the audacity to ask you for things, like favors or kindness. God forbid, your time. How do you expect to cultivate a culture of winning if you’re doing things for other people?
In order to truly become self-possessed, you have to learn to say no. Nothing makes me more anxious and crazy than feeling pulled in multiple directions. When you’re over-extended, you aren’t going to do anything with your whole focus and heart, leaving tasks half-assed. A true queen (or king) does everything with her full ass.
This applies not only to social engagements, but also the emotional needs of others. Let’s take a look at things that people might say to distract you from being awesome and unbothered:
“I’ve had the worst day.”
“Then don’t tell me about it. I’ve been amazing and don’t want it ruined by your doom and gloom.”
“I just need to vent…”
“No.”
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Is it about how great I am?”
“No…”
“Then no.”
People around you are going to constantly try to steal your time, energy and sunshine. You’re above this deplorable behavior. You wear sunglasses inside because your future is so bright. You are manifesting that G Wagon douchebag car you’ve always wanted. You are lathered in Dior perfume to smell expensive. You cannot be bothered by what is happening in the lives of others.
Look good feel good.
I have a question for you: How will everyone know that you’re better than them if you don’t look the part? Your outside has to match your inside. By now, if you’ve mastered the first three steps, people are starting to notice a change in you. They’re starting to see that you’re turning inwards, towards the only person who matters: yourself.
This transformation is only complete after you master your outside appearance:
a. Botox - never let them see you emote.
b. Ozempic - if we’re going to have to use our whole ass for tasks, it should be as small as possible.
c. Gold everything - you know who else likes gold? Trump. And if anyone on the planet is actually following my satirical advice, it’s him.
d. Flashy accessories - players choice, but something about you has to be ridiculous. It can be your car, your earrings, a pet, anything. You must always carry a conversation piece so that at any time, and from time to time, the conversation naturally loops back to you.
This last one is important. My go-to is designer sunglasses. The bigger the logo, the better. My flex is wearing them when it’s dark, so that all they can see is the gold luxury logo. Like a beacon of light, shining your importance into the night sky for all to marvel at.
You can’t win, so win.
I came up with his last title all on my own. Isn’t it so good?
This last step is only for the truly dedicated members of this narcissistic confidence army. In a world that is trying to tell you to be empathetic, to love thy neighbor, I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to. Sure, you can if you want to lose, but in a culture of winning, we win at everything. Even if we’re not supposed to.
In order to win at everything, everything must be turned into a competition. Mundane things like how long your commute is or what you put in your office - these must all be things that you win.
If your friend hates their commute because it’s long and there is traffic, yours is longer and the traffic is a nightmare.
If your colleague orders a Latte, you order an Americano because it’s less calories (which must be pointed out).
If your cousin loves bowling, you tell her that it’s definitely not a sport and trashy and ew, who does that. I actually love bowling but this is just a good example of winning at all costs. When faced with something that you have no experience with, you can win by making the other person feel bad about that thing they love. You don’t participate, not because you’re bad at it, but because the entire activity is beneath you.
In conclusion, becoming narcissistic self-confident is all about focusing on ones own self rather than others. If you can’t be wrong, you’re right. If you are the loudest person in the room, eventually everyone else will stop arguing with you and you’ll win. A culture of winning starts from within. I believe in you - well, not all of you but some of you. Some of you aren’t cut out for it, which is good. We can’t all be winners. In order to have a winner, there has to be a loser. It won’t be me, but it might be you. Loser.
Remember, stay difficult and always question authority.
Me: Drowning in self-doubt, coming to this essay with pen and paper, ready to learn.
Also me: Waaaaiiiiiiittttt a second....
As my family likes to say, second place is first place loser. Long live the winners.